Unspoken Memories
Strange how a mention of Jo’s blog led me to revisit my own and felt compelled to write, to give answers to so many of my friends, old friends. It has been more than a year since my last entry and so much has happened.
How does one put into coherent words of chaos and drama collected over 10 years?
Before I begin, some of you may know some of you may not, that Callie has changed. Her life has changed, for better or for worse, I do not know. Some of you I am avoiding and I am sorry - you probably do not believe me and it is okay. Let me use an analogy, you have paid this guy in advance for his services to keep your house clean for the next one year and then he disappeared, he stopped going by your house to do what he is paid to do … because he is actually terminally ill and receiving treatment in hospital. Can you fault him? You can. Coming back to me, you have all the right in the world to be angry, to blame, to despise me for doing a Houdini on you and I totally understand. But I do not have any energy left in me to explain or attend to you because I am in dire need of repair. One day, if I ever get out of this mess I am in, like my analogy, I will personally drop by your house and clean, wash, and do everything that I have promised. You don’t have to believe me, it is up to me to redeem myself and time will tell. I may never get your forgiveness but this will not stop me from reappearing and giving back when I do hopefully recover.
I have lost everything that I have spent almost 10 years of my life building for. Overnight, my life tumbled down in a merciless avalanche and trapped me within this painfully cold world that I am still in. Every moment, with every breath that I take, I claw and scratch feebly at the icy walls around me. Sometimes I can hear voices that sound so far away, telling me not to give up and I know these are voices of friends who care and they are near… but somehow, in my little enclave, I shut them all out, allowing only traces of their words to reach me. I am numbed. To go on, I close my eyes and imagine being in love, problem-free and being truly happy and in so doing I trick my body and mind in a state of bliss - the only thing making me breathe.
auntycallie/butler? will get you a magical 8 ball for xmas…*hugs*
jo said this on November 18, 2008 at 4:58 pm
hmm… seems like we are all in the same boat. been a while too since i blogged, at least you have found the strength to begin again, for me, not yet, not yet… i am so tired Callie, so very very tired
Tiff said this on November 19, 2008 at 3:47 am
Oh my gawd …. you guys actually read my blog? I am so touched!!! Thanks in advance for the 8-ball Jo. And Tiff, I still do visit your blog once in a while just to check if you have updated anything … takes 2 hearts in the same boat to understand what each other is really feeling. Take as much time as you need, some things just cannot be rushed.
CAllie said this on November 19, 2008 at 10:52 pm