In Between Seattle and Sweden
To many, Callie has a reckless soul, someone who bravely took the less desired route and distanced herself from society’s rat race. Contrary to common opinions, Callie is actually a rather cautious creature within and just someone who is somewhat hopelessly led (and most times blinded) by her emotions.
Indeed, I have been careful in all my business decisions over the years but I was often persuaded to act against my better judgement because I had wanted to please. In a partnership where I seldom had the final say, where I was often getting emotional blackmails to do things that I was uncomfortable about, it is then no wonder that I am in the state I am in. If there is any need to point fingers at all, I will point it at myself because it was I who allowed myself to live for everyone else except myself.
For so many years, on the surface, I may seem like I was leading a life based on my whims and fancies but the truth couldn’t be further from that.
Now that my shackles were broken in March, for the first time in my life, I felt free - the sudden sense of freedom made me lost for while. I needed a new direction, needed to give myself time to explore myself all over again - and of course to find out what I really want. For so long, I had lived in a way that I am tuned to what others wanted and expected from me and had tragically neglected myself. For once, for now, my attention is turned to focus on me.
In late August this year, I travelled to Seattle, attended two Buddhist ceremonies, spoke personally to my Guru, met up with two online friends, slept with one of them (because the other is a girl and I am straight), drank coffee and ate Subway consistently. I walked alot, enjoying the chilled air even though most times my feet were freezing (was wearing just slippers), smoked my Davidoff menthol lights, waking up early every morning, did yoga by the pool on one morning, taking in all the sights of pretty flowers and space around me … .. I was living for that twelve days as a happy person who didn’t have to worry about installments. In an environment where no one knew me, I broke away from the need to conform to expectations and hence, I found myself. It was precisely because I could be so completely myself that surprisingly allowed me to rediscover who I am.
Coming back to Singapore and readjusting was very tough. I tried to tell myself that those twelve days were merely a dream and here, back in my own country is the reality. Is it really? Perhaps Singapore is just a very long dream and Seattle a short glimpse of reality?
One thing for sure, I have woken up to who I am, sort of, and I cannot go back to living life the way it used to be. I do not want to even if I can. Its like having discovered and liking tampons and thus one can never feel good again about using sanitary pads. Lousy example here I know but hey, you do get the gist of what I’m saying and thats all that matter.
So I’m going to be with myself again and this time, I’m flying off to Sweden for exactly 28 days (including flying time). Another adventure and not sure what to expect, what will happen … but I know, as long as I am me, I will never be lost.
Maybe, just maybe, my destiny has never been tied to where I was born.
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